I recently had one of my worst flares to date…

The start of August wasn’t great, my Lupus intensely flared up. I picked up a virus and due to that, it went haywire causing an array of issues. I’m late writing about this, it happened from Saturday the 5th of August to, well, now as I’m still recovering. You unfortunately don’t wake up one morning recovered from a flare, it can take days to weeks or even months to recover.

Friday the 4th, I was my usual self, maybe a little more fatigued than usual but nonetheless – nothing dramatically wrong. However, that night I slept dreadfully, I fell asleep around 3am but even then I woke every hour with a nauseous feeling. Every time I woke up, the sun was getting brighter and at around 8:30am I decided to just get up. I sat outside with a cup of tea and by 9:30am decided to try go back to sleep, as soon as I got into bed I was back up and vomiting. By 12pm I had vomited 3 times and had given up on sleep entirely.

Sunday the 6th. I woke up, from another sleepless night and feeling worse. This was the day my Lupus started to rear it’s ugly head. I was sat drinking water and I was almost certain I was about to faint, luckily I didn’t. But, I was shaking, my head was pounding, my joint pain was relentless and I started vomiting again. Just keeping my eyes open was exhausting and I couldn’t bare the thought of moving. I couldn’t even tell you what conversations I had and with who that day, I was so exhausted and in pain I can barley recall the day. What I can recall though, is it was the first time since my diagnosis that I rang out of hours for help. I was taking Tramadol and even though it dulled the pain, it wasn’t helpful and I was still suffering. They told me I had to see a doctor and on the way there I said to myself “I can’t be bothered with this illness anymore” because I genuinely didn’t have the energy to try and fight back. I wanted to curl in a ball, cry and honestly, disappear. Luckily, I was the only one in the waiting room so my wait was less than 5 minutes. The doctor took my temperature and it was raised, checked my ears and listened to my chest and they were clear. He checked my throat and he said it was red, he had me do a urine sample which was also clear and he checked my stomach which was sore as he pressed down on it. His diagnosis was a virus or the start of laryngitis, since the visit my throat hasn’t got worse so it was a virus all along. He couldn’t prescribe me anything stronger than Tramadol, so he prescribed me more to keep taking. After the checks and prescription were done he had a chat with me, he told me I need to get my Rheumatology appointment brought forward and told me that I really need to go on steroids. As soon as I heard the words “you need steroids but I can’t prescribe you them” I wanted the ground the swallow me. From the start of my diagnosis, I have been dead set against going on steroids unless I’m told I will die without them. I am yet to bring my Rheumatology appointment forward for the fear of being put on steroids.

This week has been rough. I’ve eaten next to nothing, my joints have been so sore and my fatigue just doesn’t seem to be improving – it feels like I’m at a dead end.
I try my very best to stay optimistic but this week has tested me, I’ve found it very difficult to take part in everyday activities and do basic tasks and I’ve felt extremely low in mood. I hate the thought of people thinking I’m snappy or horrible, I try my best to not be and it’s for those people I try my best to keep a smile on my face. My mood is slowly improving but I’m still struggling with a lot of pain, aches, headaches and nausea, but thankfully I haven’t vomited since Friday.

It’s the first viral infection I’ve had since being put on immune suppressants, which is good going as I have been on them since November. I was told I would more than likely constantly catch viruses and bugs. And, because of my lowered immune system it’s taking longer for me to shift it.

I can only hope that I start to properly improve this week. This has probably been my worst flare to date.

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Lupus and being abroad: diary entry 5. Would I recommend it?

I’m back in little old England, I landed at 5am this morning after the most dreadful flight – a toddler screaming for the majority of a 4 and half hour flight isn’t what anyone wants. I started travelling last night at 10pm Turkish time (8pm British time), so it was a long night of waiting around and what seemed like endless security checks at Dalaman Airport. 

I was awake for just over 24 hours, which is a risk in itself with already having chronic fatigue, you never know if forcing yourself to stay conscious for such a prolonged period of time will cause a flare up. For me, it usually does, I’m currently feeling extremely fatigued, aching, headache and I keep getting waves of nausea. 

Before I get to the whole “would I recommend putting yourself in blazing heat with a illness that hates heat” discussion I thought I’d recap on my final two days.

Thursday: Wonderful, despite the temperature reaching a firey 40+° and me being on codeine for joint pain in the knees. I was under a parasol for the whole day and yes, probably completely oblivious to the fact the temperature felt like fire around me due to being on codiene. It was our last day on Coco Beach, we stayed on the beach until the Garson no longer took orders. I honestly couldn’t tell it was that hot but again, codeine was clouding my mind. On the evening we walked around Icmeler, catching up with friends from a previous year of holidaying. It was just a lovely day. I took tramadol that evening and slept better than I did the whole holiday. 

Coco Beach.

Final dip in the sea at Coco.

Friday: In contrast to Thursday, this was a horrible day. It was 45°, that’s what the barman told us at around 5pm so during the afternoon it was probably hotter. My day started later, I got to the private jetty at 10:30am. I couldn’t cope. I was in and out of the sea like a yo-yo, as soon as I was out, I needed to go back in. I felt like I was going to hit the deck at any moment. We went for lunch and sat in the shade with cold drinks, that seemed to bring me back around. As soon as we got back to the jetty, I deteriorated again. It’s like a sense of being restless because you just don’t know how to gain control of the symptoms you’re experiencing. In the end I left the jetty and went back to the room and laid on the bed for about 30 minutes, I took a shower and then started packing. There’s absolutely no way I could of sat in the sun any longer. As you know, by nighttime I was embarking on my long journey home. It was an extremely long and tiresome day. 

Would I recommend it? Yes. Do it, go on holiday. Lupus strips us of so many things in our lives. We put up with so much, we’re beaten down by our own bodies daily – why shouldn’t you be rewarded for being a total badass and fighting yourself daily? 

Yes, there will be bad days, but don’t feel guilty for needing to go rest in your room or sit in the shade. If I’m honest, I spent the majority of my holiday in the shade, I didn’t put myself in the sun for prolonged periods of time, if you do that then you are asking for trouble. I understand some Lupus patients suffer a considerable amount in the sun and their rashes turn to big blisters, it’s a no-brainer on why they avoid holidaying abroad. I do suffer in the sun, it does bring me out in rashes but not the extreme scale that it blisters. If you react moderately well in the sun, try it. It’s 14 days out of 365, you have nothing to lose by trying it. So what if I flared? I was going to flare anyway with the damp weather in England. Instead, I chose to flare in the sun and a waiter brought an ice cold drink to my lounger. You see, that’s the point, we flare in cold weather and we flare in hot weather…we can’t win. 

Some people are probably still wondering why I did it to myself, I technically brought bad days upon myself. Why? Why did you make yourself suffer? And the only answer I have for that is I refuse to let this illness control every aspect of my life. I will never bow down to it. And I certainly will not let it frighten me, not now and not ever. 

Lupus and being abroad: diary entry 4.

This post is going to be a mixture of how I’ve been the last few days. Like I said in a previous post, I’ve had fairly equal days in terms of being good and bad. However, I have noticed in the recent few days my days have almost been split, I’m fairly good in the morning and I quickly decline by afternoon. The temperature is rising as the days go on and the breeze is slowly withering away to nothing. There usually is a breeze in the morning hours but it seems as it gets to 1pm it suddenly stops, and returns at late afternoon/sunset. This means by afternoon I’m typically under the parasol or cooling off in the water. 

I have noticed I’m affected more when my head is directly in the sun. Which is where a sun hat comes in handy, the downside is the hat makes my head sweat and can make me feel worse, it almost gives a sense of over heating. 

I thought I was doing well on the rash side but on a morning walk earlier this week I developed one. I was in Turkey in 2015, I was in limbo with getting a diagnosis and I developed a rash on my chest, just next to my shoulder. The rash I developed this earlier this week was in the exact same place. At first it didn’t bother me, in fact I hadn’t spotted it, my mother did whilst we were in the sea. But, as the day wore on, it started to itch and it became hot. The heat from it could of just been my skin in general as my shoulders were slightly red but my Lupus rashes are generally hot to touch. The rash was slightly raised, it lasted longer than I anticipated, a day and a half. I kept applying factor 50 and Nivea Soft cream. I always find Nivea Soft soothes Lupus rashes, I didn’t think ahead to pack it but luckily the little shop in the hotel sells it. 

The rash on my left shoulder/chest.

I thought my sleep issues would have settled during the holiday, with being in the sun and around the sea but they haven’t. I usually sleep on my right side but last night I couldn’t lay on it. I had pain in my right hip, like stated, I sleep on my right side so I kept reverting back to it and being awoken by pain. It wasn’t just last night that brought poor sleep, most nights have been restless, just like at home. I woke up feeling very achy and a bit out of sorts so I had a late start, I just sat in bed munching on biscuits (Milka biscuits are delightful, they’d be even nicer with a brew though) and strolling through the internet.  

As the holiday goes on I am starting to struggle more. I’m becoming increasingly fatigued and starting to have an ‘unwell’ feeling, again, it’s a feeling I can’t perfectly describe. But after all, I’m no longer designed to be in the sun, I’m not meant to be sat in it, people must honestly think I’m mad for being here and in a way I totally am mad but you can’t say I haven’t tried it. Mum overheard a woman on the beach yesterday saying she declared Lupus on her travel insurance – so it’s not just me putting myself through blazing heat and putting myself at risk of dire symptoms. Maybe madness is a trait we develop when diagnosed? If I flare massively when I return to British soil then so be it. I’d rather flare with decent wifi, my dogs and Netflix than here, when I’m meant to be enjoying myself…if I do flare as soon as I land at least Lupus has the decency to hold fire until the holiday was over. 

I’ve reached the second week, all in all I think I’ve done well. Yes, there’s been bad days but there’s also been fairly good days. I’m still enjoying myself, which is the whole point of the holiday. But, I must go because I’m bloody red hot and need to get into the sea. 

The wifi is co-operating with me today so here is some pictures! 

Breakfast yesterday: a waffle with Nutella, fresh strawberries and ice cream. At least there was fruit, right?
A little feline friend I made on the beach last week.
Mum and I one evening last week.
The view I had writing my previous post.

Lupus and being abroad: diary entry 3. (20/6/17-21/6/17)

I spent yesterday at my favourite beach, it wasn’t until we left the beach that we noticed the temperature was 37. It was bearable due to the sea breeze, in all honesty I was shocked to find that was the temperature. I spent some time in sea, which definitely helps symptoms. I also had a little nap on the lounger…I just can’t help it. It’s so easy to fall asleep on them, especially with chronic fatigue. It was a long day, we were out of the hotel grounds for 13 hours but remarkably I was OK. It wasn’t until I’d showered and got ready for bed that I started feeling the exhaustion and pains. I slept fairly well, mainly because the air con was off all night. Aircon plays with my Raynauds, I think it’s because it’s a high level of cold air constantly flowing out. But, I did keep waking up at random times – I have horrible sleep issues at home too so this is nothing out of the ordinary. 

I woke up today with a sore back, I’m not entirely sure what I’ve done. I haven’t done all that much to provoke it. I think it’s just a Lupus thing. It’s not a sharp pain, it’s more off a dull ache. I notice it more when I start walking around or change positions. I’m taking paracetamol and ibuprofen regularly, which you’d think would help my headache but it’s not letting up. It feels like someone has punched me in the back of the head. It started last night as we were walking back from the beach. 

It’s hot here today and there’s barley any breeze and when there is, it’s almost a warm breeze. I tried sitting in the sun but it provoked unwanted symptoms; headache worsening, itchy skin, dizziness and increasing my fatigue. So, I opted for the shade with a book today. It’s a feeling I struggle to describe, it almost feels like I’m not there because the heat zaps everything out of me. I couldn’t check the weather on my phone because I didn’t have wifi on the beach but, I’d say it was easily in the 40s. I fell asleep (again) on the lounger, it’s no surprise, I’ve done it everyday since being here. The sun and heat makes it a lot harder to fight the fatigue and I seem to just fall asleep at the flick of a switch, falling asleep to the sound of waves is utterly wonderful though. I was brought around a bit by a sugary cup of tea…could that sound anymore British?! 

Not everyday will be fine because it seems Lupus’ greatest enemy is the sun. It’s like it doesn’t want you to have the enjoyment that comes with it, sitting in the sun should be one of the easiest things to do but Lupus makes it extremely difficult.

This holiday is a test to see how I cope as it’s my first since diagnosis and with being medicated. I definitely think Hydroxy is keeping pesky rashes away, that’s the only thing I’ve found with Hydroxy, it’s good for keeping my rashes down. I guess having these bad symptoms surrounded by the sea and the beautiful mountains of Turkey is better than having symptoms at home confined to the same 4 walls all day. 

I tried to add pictures to this post but the wifi isn’t strong enough to upload. I’ll try again in my next post. As always, thank you for reading. 

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Lupus and being abroad: diary entry 2 (19/6/17)

I wouldn’t say today was a write off, but it wasn’t the best day. I didn’t expect my first “bad” day to be on my third day here, I expected it to be at least 5-6 days in. But, I guess that’s Lupus to T – unpredictable. 

What confuses me the most is, today is cooler than yesterday, there’s more of a breeze. I mean, yesterday Lupus had its moments but it seemed to clear after an hour or so – especially after cooling off in the sea. Not today, I can’t shift it. It’s a feeling I struggle to describe (I say that a lot, don’t I?). My eyesight goes fuzzy and I get lightheaded, sometimes I think I’m about to faint if I don’t sit or lay down. My head starts to pound or feels like it’s swelling. It’s generally just a very uncomfortable/unwell feeling, which sucks whilst you’re trying to have enjoy your holiday. 

I did find myself some shade to sit in whilst having a cold drink, that seemed to help a little. During my shaded rest, the sun crept behind the trees which shaded my sun lounger so I went back to lay there and continued reading. All I’ve really done today is read and drink very cold drinks with ice in – I can actually enjoy a drink with ice in as I’m practically Raynauds Phenomenon free for 2 weeks. Saying that, I haven’t dipped in the pool all that much today because as soon as I get in I’m covered in goosebumps, but it is a very cold pool, but it hasn’t aggregated my Raynauds at all. 

I’m very tired but again, it’s a mix of the heat, general Lupus and I’m probably still recovering from the travelling. I haven’t suffered too much from joint pain, it’s still there especially in my knees and elbows – as I’m writing this it’s starting in my left wrist. Just like at home, it comes and goes when it pleases. I’m still regularly taking paracetamol and ibuprofen, I don’t really want to touch codeine in the day time. I don’t want to be in a haze in high heats or around water. I’ll take it on an evening before going to sleep. I’m still chugging water like it’s going out of fashion but my favourite drink today has proven to be Orange Fanta, it’s a bit more refreshing than plain water. 

I seem to be taking the sun well on my poor feet, I’ve been sat with my beach cover up over them as they feel like there on fire! My ears too, apparently the sun has taken a liking to those. Don’t worry, I won’t be returning to the UK with just tanned feet and ears – the rest of me is tanning as well. 

I’m back in the hotel room now, with the air conditioning. I’m probably going to lay on the bed for the rest of the afternoon to try make me feel a bit more human. Mum and I will probably venture back out in the early evening.

I’ll be sure to keep this updated as much as I can. Thank you for reading! 

Daily life with Lupus. 

I have shared my diagnosis story. If you want to read it to understand this post more I’ll leave the link.

https://memyselfandlupus.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/my-diagnosis/

Lupus has been mentioned in the media recently with Selena Gomez revealing her diagnosis. You might have heard popular line on House MD “it’s never Lupus”, I’ve found people have usually heard of it but I’m often asked how it makes me feel. 

This post is entirely dedicated to covering exactly that, how it affects me daily. I can’t speak for all sufferers as it affects each individual differently but most sufferers will be able to sympathise.

My aim for my posts is to help people, hopefully this post will reach somebody out there who has someone in their life going through this sort of thing. I hope it helps you understand that person better. Also, I hope it gets out to someone who is sick and who is looking for people like themselves. 

Aches: I ache most days, from head to toe. It feels like I’ve ran a marathon or been dipped in concrete. My whole body feels heavy. There’s no explanation for me aching, I don’t do anything physical enough to cause them. I used to do a lot of running, and I never ached as much as I do now. It’s just something that unfortunately comes with the Lupus territory. 

Joint pain: I get pain generally in my knees, elbows, shoulders and fingers. They often feel like electric shocks or just a dull constant pain. The odd thing for me, is that one moment it will be in my knees and the next it’s moved to my elbows and so forth. 

Headaches: Everyday I have a headache. Somedays it’s minor and others it’s a migraine, but everyday I have one. Obviously the worst is a migraine, I get white flashes in my eyes and feel so nauseous. When I say minor, I mean a normal headache, it starts little and builds up then it’ll die down again. I have got used to having one everyday, they are annoying to me more than anything now. 

Itchy skin: This is extremely annoying. I don’t have dry skin, it’s just another Lupus thing. I itch the most on my legs and back. Sometimes I scratch that much I cause bleeding. The best thing I’ve used to settle it is the Liz Earle Nourishing Botanical Body Cream. 

Dry eyes and mouth: This isn’t actually a Lupus thing, this is Sjogrens Syndrome. These are the only symptoms of Sjorgens I get. The dry eyes feel like I have sand stuck in them, a bit like when you have Conjunctivitis. I use Carbomer eye gel to help with that, for the dry mouth I just drink a lot of water. 

Pain in my eyes: This could be Lupus, Sjogrens or both. It’s a sharp pain in my eyes. It’s probably another form of a headache, I don’t know. What I do know though, it’s irritating and very painful, like head in your hands kind of pain. Fortunately they don’t last for long, usually up to an hour or two but they can occur numerous times a day. 

Fatigue: When I say fatigue I don’t mean I’m sleepy and need a 30 minute nap. I mean, lifting my arm up is too much and sleeping for nearly 20 hours straight. It’s fatigue that stops your daily life. I’ve often been labelled lazy and boring, I’m not I just simply do not have the energy to do anything but lay down.

Insomnia: You’re probably thinking, but you just said you’re fatigued? Yes but now and then I suffer insomnia. Usually it’s pain waking me up or preventing sleep or I’m just restless. This then encourages extreme fatigue, it’s a circle I can’t escape from. 

Poor appetite: Either because I’m too tired and pained to make food or I just don’t want to eat. This is quite common with Lupus sufferers. I tend to graze on food rather than eat a meal. It’s rare I finish what is on a plate. I’m often asked by family and friends if I’ve eaten and sometimes I need prompting to eat. 

Mood: Lupus and my other illnesses affect my mood. Somedays I feel very low and somedays I’m quiet. I make a conscious effort to not be snappy or mean to people, I can imagine if I didn’t make that effort I could be quite unpleasant. It’s a mixture of pain, fatigue and being fed up that I’m sick everyday. Family and friends know that when I’m quiet I’m having a bad day – thankfully they don’t take it personally. 

Rashes: I mainly get a rash on my right cheek, this is when I know things are about to get very unpleasant for me. It goes dry and blisters. I get little rashes all over my body, I’m grateful these don’t go dry and blister. I also get what I call pin prick spots (Petechiae) usually on my hands and thighs but I have had them on my chest too. Here’s a picture of the rash before it blisters…

Hair loss: My hair started falling out, nothing major thankfully but I do have naturally thick hair. It spurred me on to take better care of my hair. I started taking Biotin daily and using coconut oil as a hair mask, now I don’t have as much hair loss. My hairdresser also said my hair is in beautiful condition!

Swelling joints: My joints sometimes swell, usually my ankles. Sometimes it’s when I’ve done more than I should or they just randomly swell. 

Brain fog: Yes, it’s a real thing. I can sometimes start a task, stop for a break and not complete it because I’ve forgot what I was doing or that I was even doing it. Somedays I have no concentration at all. I also forget a lot of things. Sometimes I have no sense of time, I was an hour and a half late to an engagement party last month.

Bruising: This is a symptom from taking Aspirin. I take Aspirin to lower my risk of a blood clot, but a slight knock will more than likely cause a bruise. I’ll include a picture…

The sun: I know what you’re thinking, the sun isn’t a symptom. The sun can bring out symptoms, headaches, rashes, aches and joint pain. It also makes me feel extremely light headed and on some occasions has made my vision blurred. If it’s a hot day and I have to go out in it I have to apply factor 50 sun cream. I try to avoid the outdoors on hot days though.

Cold hands and feet: This is Raynaud’s phenomenon. My hands and feet are never warm, they go purple when I’m outside or in a cold room. When I go somewhere warmer they turn red, sometimes swell and sting. This causes me to have some issues distinguishing what temperature water is, what is cold to you is usually warm to me. I’m known for having ‘cold’ baths rather than hot because I believe the water is hot. 

Costochondritis: Is inflammation of the cartilage that joins your ribs to your breast bone. This causes sharp chest pains and pain when breathing. 

The thing with these symptoms is they’re random. They just happens and they come on very quickly. One moment my knee could be fine and the next moment I could be reaching for my strong pain medication.

The most frustrating part of all the symptoms, minus the rash (which isn’t always there) is you can’t see them. People often think I’m lying that I’m sick or think I’m being dramatic. It’s like having the flu everyday of your life, imagine that, sounds horrible doesn’t it? 

My life is spent trying to work out what I can do, if I go out with a friend I have to take something off my to-do list because I can’t do a lot in a day. If I have a busy day, I need 3 days to recover. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, I hope it gives you a clearer idea of how life is with a chronic illness.