Puppies and Lupus.

Meet Fifi Beau! She’s a Chihuahua puppy, around 13 weeks old. My dad, brother and I all chipped in to get her for my mums birthday. She’s…yeah…yeah, she’s wonderful, a delightful little thing but she’s also a little hurricane who needs to be watched every minute of the day. 

I’m the one who is with her most of the time whilst my family are all at work. I get up early, and this leads me to my first problem…my Lupus doesn’t like mornings, at all. It doesn’t let me function as a ‘normal’ person would first thing on morning. So there I am, up and having little Fifi jump all over me, scratching at me because she’s excited to see me. Here’s an idea of how I can’t function on a morning: my parents were talking to me this morning but can I remember anything they said to me? No, not a thing, I can’t recall what they were wearing, the colour of dads shirt or mums blouse. I can’t recall if they had told me that she’s eaten or used her puppy training pad in the time they’ve been awake. I can’t remember anything. In a way, it’s like being drunk and slowly I’ll “sober” up but fully wake up? Never. I can’t remember the last time I felt fully awake and energised. I’m constantly tired, and since looking after the little pupper, I’m feeling an overwhelming weight of fatigue and it’s honestly putting me in a foul mood. Fatigue is the symptom I struggle to deal with the most, nobody likes feeling exhausted. It’s like being stuck in a glass box, watching everyone go about their lives full of energy and you’re trying to find a way out but there’s no door. 

My head, some days it feels like it’s swelling or my brain is being squeezed and others it feels like a heard of elephants are living in there. I always put my headaches down to what level of fatigue I’m feeling, I find the two coincide and since my fatigue is bad it only makes sense that the headaches would be too. 

I ache, from head to toe. It’s like wading through water, I guess this comes from the constant bending down and picking her up to go on her training pad. As well as the aches, there’s joint pain in my knees, elbows, wrists and hands. I can’t take my strong painkillers because I’m worried that my body will just say “you know what, time to sleep” and I’ll be out for hours. They rarely send me to sleep but since I’m already so tired, I can guess they will. Sometimes, they take my mind somewhere else and I need to be ‘here’ so I can pay attention and give training. 

All in all, Fifi Beau has sent me over the edge and into a flare. Do I regret getting her for my mum? Not at all, she wanted a female Chihuahua, but she was looking at getting one that was already trained, probably to avoid this situation. However, like we share our illnesses, dad and I are also very similar in personality and act on impulse rather than think things through. So who’s to really blame here? It kills me to admit it but, myself. But, I somehow still manage to get through the day with her…I’m not sure how, but I do. 

Despite all that, she does give lovely cuddles, so that makes it all okay.

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